Friday, April 24, 2009

The afternoon thought

M body was rotting lazily on the bed under the direct blow of the air-con during afternoon. The sky were blue and clear but beyond the windows is the terrible hot air.

Humming the song beauty and the beast. I close my eye and fantasize about fairy tale in love. Sian..... I like the content of the song which help me to visualize and wonder about love. It wasnt long before I switched off the air-con and prepare to go for lesson. I wanted to skip lesson again and wanted to go east coast park to watch sunset. The broken bicycle just make me skip the idea. Making my way down the stair and to main gate. 'Oh gosh! It sure hot today and I will be merrier if I just evaporated into air and return to the mother nature.'

2pm plus in the afternoon and the recently weather was sure pretty humid and hot. Under the sun, making my way to the Mrt. I begin into deep thought, I`m sure the world is full of many people and there is sure someone suitable for me. However, I just couldnt explain why my brain can only hold 1 person for so long. I am contradicting myself with my ideal and realize I am a contradiction. Thing must move on and so am I even with the burden of the contradiction. I cannot foresee what plan does god have and I`m feeling helpless with the remaining time before leaving the school.

I wanted to believe that I can and I will yet there are something which is not applicable. You see, it is the work of chemistry and the laws is there. If anyone of you was thinking why am I so low esteem. I am thinking because of the past which haunt continously to remind that it the past that make me as a failure and my worst regret for causing so much unhappiness to people around me. I dare not to forget because I wanted to repay their kindness toward me. By so, I will pass on the kindness inside to other and new faces. I am being inspired by the people around me and they give me strength to move on.

When I`m alone, weak is I will be played by my own logical thinking. There are many things I do not know, I couldnt do a simple romantic thing for someone I like. I couldnt crack any humourous joke because I am out of the world. I wouldn`t give any excuse that I was born to be blur. I am working my way out in this narrow path.

I am speechless when I see someone I like because I dont want make any mistake by saying out the wrong thing. I lost the chance of impressing her and I wont beg her for another one. I just want to keep quiet and walk away because I realize I couldnt give her happiness no matter how much I like her. I cannot say I am a loser because I`m such weakling or any negative word you all want to call me.

I couldnt see any happiness for any parties if one of them just realize they are deem unsuitable for each other. It`s good to try and over again but the in between the process is very tiring. People who been in relationship and marriage understood how pain and tiring it could be when things turn bad. I only have a heart and nothing else. She look like a person who want something more and excitment in her life. I couldnt give her things which I think she want. So it pretty pointless at the end of everything.

I`m tired of admiring someone for so long. Everyone happen to taste this before. We cannot blame anyone nor ask anyone for reason. Only god know. Things are left better unexplain and left behind. It become memory and there will be time when we are being refresh by such experience. We will come up with different solution to answer our doubt.

The feeling inside my heart still burn like as if I saw her yesterday. She is not my angel nor my devil but she is someone I wanted to hold hand with. I dont take her as someone superior to me just because her knowledge and any other characters is better than me. I will respect her as someone who give me a new fighting life and a dream. I will love her as a friend and someone who guide me.

I have come to a conclusion that she will make a good partner for any guys. The way she share her knowledge and her daily joke will make the environment more lively. There are many things I dont know and dont understand but it make a good sense of interest toward her more.

Seeing her again will be the past soon. The present wont speak any chance and the future will follow the flow of the present. Sadness do come but it is inevitable because it is part of the growth. We are still young and there are many things to learn. I`m sure she find her happiness pretty soon while I will work hard toward my goal and my dream.

I am happy and the tears that flow down is the tear of happiness. Because I know the person I like will definitely live in happiness no matter where she go.

Before loving anyone, love yourself first. It work! =)

1 comment:

  1. Guys sometimes think that they cannot give the happiness to the girls that they liked.... it is this thought that caused themselves to lose the happiness. Because, sometimes, what the girl want is just to be with the guy that she likes and that is the happiness that she wants. =)